At the end of the day, I’m not what you want.
And I’m not who you will settle down with eventually, nor be the person to make you happy for the rest of your life, which I want to do for you so badly.

You, despite your desire for the simple, function best in the complicated and unsure.
Solidity and decisions are not your forte.

One day you will find a girl that doesn’t ask you what you are, one that doesn’t fall for you too soon, and one that, even though times are hard, you will try your hardest to be all that she deserves.

You say you don’t want to give this a go because you can’t be all that you want to be for me right now. I think deep down, you just don’t want it bad enough. You made the time in the beginning, now you’re finding it difficult to maintain.

Where did that spark go? That inspiration that had you so excited to talk to me on the phone at night? Was it really all too much and you couldn’t handle it?

You will find someone who is able to hold that desire for you long into the later years of your life.

Unfortunately, I don’t think that will be me.

Submitted by A. M. in March 2013
Comments: Written two weeks before Valentine’s Day, 2012. The night we broke up I came to a sad realization to why it didn’t work, and never worked, over the years.

Sometimes, there no rhyme or reason to it. We can’t explain why we’re drawn to a person’s story, why we’re compelled to help. Sometimes, that person is family; and because there are no ties stronger than blood, we do whatever we can to jump in a rescue those that belong to our clan.

I find Life is presenting me with a handful of powerful moments.

Once again, there is a lot of transition as I look for my path. There’s been a lot of trial and error in the last few years, and I’d like to think each “failure” is a lesson-learned that will make me a more understanding, more aware individual when I finally find my true path. And in this moment of transition, I could also say turmoil, I’ve been charged with caring for people that are going through their own life-changing moments.

It’s a awe-ful responsibility – the opportunity to care for and impact another’s life. The exchange during a shared-path connection can be overwhelming, scary, generally uncomfortable. There’s a lot of unknown territory and “going out on a limb,” and it’s hard enough to step out of our own comfort zone, never mind being a part of someone else’s out-of-comfort-zone experience.

There’s a lot of potential for vulnerability and raw honesty, a lot of potential for love and appreciation.

Potential.

Potential doesn’t turn into actuality unless we choose it. It’s an active engagement in our own lives…and in the case of caring for others, active engagement in the lives of others. It’s adventuring hand-in-hand to the outer limbs, no matter what, because the understood endgame always includes love and appreciation. Period.

Photo Credit: http://cannasandbananas.blogspot.com

I’d like to go out on the limb and find buds; new growth that suggests potential is turning into actuality. For me. And for those I care about.

—

What about you?

How do you feel about the opportunity to care for family and friends?

A love letter is a great way to get some thoughts out on paper. A note to share thanks and affection for a shared experience. Take a minute to read how the community is expressing themselves via love letters.

I guess the questions is – what do we do from here?

I’d like to think that even though we’re going in circles, we’re cycling upwards. Evert revolution brings us higher, teaches us more…makes us better people. And if that’s the case, I suppose I will have the energy for another go-around, and another (and another).

But if that isn’t the case. If we’re just the same people doing the same thing – a circle going round and round, and not making any sort of progress…well, that would just make me sad. Shouldn’t we want more for our lives than that?

I want more.

But I also just want to enjoy this moment: we’re in the sweet spot of the cycle, the happy time. I want to be happy. And I want you to be happy. And when our happiness coincides, like it does right now – I truly believe that we’re meant to be.

Submitted by J. B. in March 2013

I hope this letter finds you well, happy, and in good spirits. I hope you laugh every single day, remember the little things, and surround yourself with people who reinforce the beauty that is you.

I’ve been forced to grow up over these past few months, acknowledge situations that needed to change and feelings that I wasn’t sure what to do with.

I know two things. I know that I care for you a great deal, and once again I find myself at the tail end of one of fate’s jokes. Had I been a little more patient, or smarter with my decision making, I could’ve changed the outcome of this. Or at least had a chance of doing so.

I also know that you are a far better person than I will ever be. You may never know darkness as I have (and I hope you never do) and the ones who get too close to me are always unpleasantly surprised by the depths of my resolve. Passion has a dark side, a coldness to it.

This dream I’m chasing; I realize now that I have to do it alone. That’s the price I CHOOSE to pay in order to make it happen. I said once I’d rather know you from afar than not at all, and I…I don’t want to be a source of negativity for you. Not now or ever.

Forgive me if I ever overstepped and shine brightly, my friend.

And take care of yourself.

Always,

A. K. T.

Submitted by A. K. T. in February 2013

Thank you for stepping up when others backed out. Thank you for coming forward so far when the time came. Thank you for putting yourself through the numerous tests you’ve gone through. Thank you for doing what I wasn’t able to do. Thank you for giving life to my best friend. Thank you for giving her wife many more years to share with her. Thank you for giving their children years to have their mom. Thank you for giving the extended time you’ve given her parents. Thank you for giving her nephews years to see their Aunt Mimi. Thank you for giving her brother and sister-in-law the moments that they still need with her. Thank you for giving all her other friends years to spend with her. Thank you for giving her time back. Thank you for giving her back her health.

I realize this may sound like I am putting a lot of pressure on your shoulders. I am not intending that. I am hoping you see this as true thankfulness and appreciation that I am trying to express.

I will never be able to thank you enough for this, the most generous and selfless gift you are about to give to my best friend. You are giving her back to us, giving us more time with her and giving her more time to do and live her dreams as she sees fit, and that makes me so happy.

I have known her longer than I haven’t; and thankfully, and gratefully to you I will be able to continue do that. I don’t know how I would have made it this far in my life without her in it. Because of you, your huge heart and your gift I will be amongst the many that wont have to worry about that for many, many years.

from the bottom of my heart,

THANK YOU…thanks to your family for supporting you and please know that if you need anything I am now and will always be here

Forever thankful,

C.

Submitted by C. M.
Comments: Giving life

When the sun ceases to shine, when the moon fails to glimmer, when life takes on a perpetual sheen of gray, the only pass time becomes an introverted assessment of our memories, the constant unanswerable question of where did it all go wrong? When did forever get so short? At what point did love become not enough?

But being brought up with the concept that love will always reign supreme given time, you learn to push these incessant thoughts to the back of your mind to lay in wait till the time of your next inevitable breakdown.

So I sat and desperately clung to all the passionate kisses, the romantic love letters, the daring adventures, the love making, the future plans, as if they were life itself. Just when misery became the closest thing to happiness that I could hope to achieve, I received a text from the only person capable of curing my plight.

It should have revived me and brought me back to the living, but instead, it pushed me below rock bottom. The text informed me of a change in the dynamics of the situation, she was happily in a relationship with some guy. A million images raced through my mind, her holding his hand the way she held mine, her kissing his cheek the way she kissed mine, her loving him the way she loved me. The world had stopped spinning I was stuck in purgatory: my chest got tight, my hands started shaking, my vision went blurry. I was swamped with an overwhelming sense of nausea I reached for the only thing that had sustained me this far. To my horror the bottle was empty. Chucking the bottle at the wall, I scrambled for the carton of cigarettes, empty.

I’m not sure how I made it through that night. If truth be told, I don’t remember anything after that point, just the comforting warmth of nothing. The next two months, I wasn’t alive. I was in some form of a coma. Yes, I was there. I would hear you and I would answer, but I wasn’t there: not a hint of emotion, not sadness, not happiness, just nothing.

Word reached me that she had broken up with her now former flame, the relief was instant. It was as if someone had stabbed me in the chest with an adrenaline needle. I allowed myself the privilege of hope. We began to talk again. At first, I was reserved till I came to the conclusion that I had to be the old me, the one she had fallen in love with – not the deteriorating carcass of that man.

Like all great actors, I had to convince myself of the part. I had to be the part, so I resumed my social life. I think I even found myself again, at least for a time. We talked about the old times and how we still loved each other and how we were meant to be. From there it evolved into me bringing her flowers, sleep overs, the stupid laughs, the endless kisses…til the next devastating blow to my heart was dealt. She had a new boyfriend.

My shock was palpable to all around; my mutilated heart visible for all to see.
Still I was sure that we would eventually be together.

Then it dawned on me. We were over. Our era had ended. The fairy tale had come to a tragic closing. It was never again going to happen. I was merely the half time show, the fluffer in between scenes.

And that’s when I decided once was enough for one lifetime.

Submitted by W. S.

I’ve given so much of myself away that I am as empty as the desert, waiting for the rain. You are like the rain, in its many forms. My thoughts wander the dry dessert searching for you. My heart sinks into a thousand grains of sand, into a never ending hour glass when you do not appear.

I hear many whispers of wonder that speak your name. All I wish for us, my dear, is to know the truth we seek. And I wonder if we might find that truth in each others hearts, transforming elements to our will. To be wholesome and wet.

Submitted by J. G.
Comments: For a lost friend.

Even when we gradually over many years became best friends, I still had no clue how the nature of our relationship would change so drastically–and so suddenly. Realizing how I felt about you was like awakening from a long slumber.

Now I’m your wife, and every day is more and more perfect. Our life is simple. Our relationship is simple–but it is filled with more love than I could have imagined, and the love only continues to grow.

Thank you for sharing your life with me.
Thank you for your friendship and your love.

Submitted by M.B.

I miss you rolling your eyes at me when I would listen to rap. I miss playing in the rain with you. I miss you nerding out about video games and so much more. I miss you all the time. I think about you, although less and less these days, more often than not.

I hope you are well. You deserve the best. Being here, where I first fell in love with you is hard. I see places, or things and I wish you were here to share those experiences. I’ll never forget the time with all the leaves. *Crunch*

I love you and always will, as I am sure you know. And I am so sorry for the terrible things I did and for hurting you. I wish you the best, love. So this is my public anonymous apology and my wish for you: be happy.

Submitted by K. F.

You can find him writing about all kinds of things on Self Sagax.
By the way, in case you need to know (because I did), “sagax” is a Latin word meaning of quick perception, acute, or alert.

—

I’ve wondered for a long time what it’s like to be single on Valentines Day.

The Valentines Day dance was coming up in a week. This year it happened to fall on a Friday, which was perfect all around because nobody ever really wanted to go to the dances that were during the week. I’d had a strange sort of crush on Georgia, and she rode my bus too, which meant she lived nearby. I liked having pipe dreams of having a girlfriend whose house I could get to by riding my bike. I often imagined that she lived just on the other side of the hill from my house. I got up the nerve that Monday to pass her a note in class asking her if she wanted to go to the dance with me. I even put in the little check boxes for yes and no. Minutes later, it was passed back with the little box next to no ticked. I was sad, but not heartbroken. I went to the dance by myself. So did she. I asked her to dance. She said no again. I was a little heartbroken.

That was in 1997, and it was the last Valentines day until now that I’ve been really and truly single.

I’ve had to get used to the possibility of being single on Valentines Day for the last two years now as I’ve been quasi-single, caught in the throes of attempting time and time again to save a failing relationship. Somehow it happened that both years my quasi-girlfriend and I were getting along well so there was no need to worry.

Then there is now. For the first time in sixteen years I am truly and completely single on this holiday that has come to be embodied my people of all ages in love, holding hands, maybe sharing a tender moment and gifts. I always wondered what it would feel like. Now I can tell you. It feels a little crummy.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of the holiday. I’ve never been one to celebrate it with big romantic gestures, fancy dinners, expensive gifts or anything of the sort, but it’s always been a day of some sort of validation. It’s OK to be a little flamboyant with the PDA’s, an excuse to drink wine on a weekday, a night to go ahead and set aside time for some heavy cuddling (and perhaps more.) I liken it to this:

When I was in high school, for every single assembly the seniors would enter last. The rest of the student body had to rise and remain standing until the senior class had filed in, and then finally they were allowed to be seated. It was awful and annoying… until you were a senior. Then it felt great. It was a mark of respect for your hard work in reaching your final year.

And being single on Valentines Day feels like having to stand and watch as all the happy couples get their day of recognition. Which feels crummy, for the exact same reason: because this time, it’s not me.

But I still like the day. I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time. Not because I plan on going out and meeting someone at a single’s event (I don’t) or because I’m going to surprise the girl I have a crush on (I’m not) or because I’ll somehow stumble upon a strange and winding series of events from a movie that will end up with me rescuing and then kissing the girl of my dreams at one minute before midnight (I won’t.) But because I’m looking at it from a different angle.

Valentines Day is not about buying gifts, or cards, or dinners, or sex, or getaways, or any of that nonsense. It’s about love. It gets so muddled up with ’romantic love’ (because, honestly, that’s the best way to move products) that sometimes people are convinced that that’s the only kind of love there is, but there’s so many other amazing kinds and Valentines Day is about celebrating all of them. Your parents, your children, your siblings, your friends, it’s about loving them too. Love strangers, if you want to. I often do. Love the little happy moments in your day, like getting green lights all the way to work, or getting a lollipop from the bank. Love the bad moments, too, because they exist to help the good ones feel so much better. Love the sun, because even though you won’t live to see it, someday it will die too. There’s an endless list of things to love, and this is the day to make sure you love all of them. It doesn’t matter if you’re single or attached or married or whatever. Love your cat, your X-box, love a flower you saw on the side of the road.

Because I don’t know if you know this, but love is pretty much the coolest thing I can think of, and having a day that’s all about love is pretty much about the best thing too.

Even if I do feel a little crummy for not having someone to hold hands with.